I have seen a great Light (my testimony)

We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is the Word of life. This one who is life itself was revealed to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and proclaim to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was revealed to us. We proclaim to you what we ourselves have actually seen and heard so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We are writing these things so that you may fully share our joy. 1 John 1:1-4

Born into darkness

I was born with the same wound all of us are born with. I carried the deep ache and anxiety for what’s been lost. I walked around with an emptiness in my heart. I longed, more than anything, for big, huge love.

From the time I was born, the enemy fought to keep my heart from ever being whole and healed. Evil powers used sin, brokenness + painful situations to make me believe lies, about myself and everyone else. Postpartum depression, domestic abuse, and divorce, became lies that I wasn’t loved, wasn’t safe, and wasn’t worth fighting for. “You’re abandoned and forgotten”, the deceiver whispered, when my Daddy moved far away. “You’re worthless”, he scoffed, when my Mom criticized me. “You’re going to die”, he mocked, at every turn. Any spark of goodness, of God’s image, in me, the enemy worked hard to extinguish. I became more and more anxious and insecure as time went on.

Still, seeds of God’s truth and goodness were scattered upon my heart by Christian teachers, by occasionally going to church or being taken to VBS by my Grandma. I turned to God sometimes in prayer and felt comfort. I wrote a song about him rescuing his people out of Egypt through Moses. I was cherished, provided for, and protected in the deepest way. But my mind was dark and lies of the enemy were lodged deep in my heart.

“ I walked around with a big emptiness in my heart. I longed, more than anything, for big, huge love.”

Looking for light

As early as I can remember, I began to seek relief and escape from the pain, anxiety, and the tormenting lies inside. I tried to hide from my pain and did my best to hide it from others too. I found all sorts of ways to escape and hope — storybooks, being a straight A student, daydreaming about fame and worldly riches. In my most afraid moments, I turned to God in prayer. But the rest of the time, I turned to everything else.

In high school, I discovered boys. Their attention, physical affection, and validation gave me a taste of the love and acceptance I longed for. I discovered alcohol and how my anxiety and insecurity went away when I drank. I avoided anything difficult, anything that might lead to failure and remind me of my weakness and believed worthlessness. I tried hard to be someone people liked. I focused on others’ issues and helped other people with their pain because it meant I didn’t have to face mine. I used all sorts of things to manufacture peace and run from the ache and emptiness in my heart, including - especially - people. Everything I did was driven by fear, anxiety, insecurity, and the emptiness of not knowing God’s love for me.

When your light is darkness

I found countless ways to get by. My survival strategies always seemed effective, at least before they turned on me. I accepted attention and affection from just about any male who would give it. I began blacking out. I spent a night in jail, lost friends, woke up in strange places, received complaints at work. I lied, stole, and betrayed friends.

My ways gave me temporary peace and satisfaction. But they also came with undesirable side effects - like feeling even more anxious, ashamed, insecure, and empty. It was like a bait and switch. As my pain became bigger, I looked for more and more powerful things to feel okay. Things I told myself I’d never do, eventually I did.

All the while, I told myself that other people were way worse. Every dark place I ended up, I believed that lie that everyone else in that same place was way more dysfunctional than I was. I excused and minimized how very not okay I was. I hid behind a mask of okay-ness and worked hard to make sure my life looked good on the outside. But inside, it was darkness and was only getting darker. I was a coward and a fraud. I was deeply anxious and ashamed - and more and more of it was because of my own choices. My hurt was hurting everyone around me.

“My ways gave me temporary peace and satisfaction. But they also came with undesirable side effects - like feeling even more anxious, ashamed, insecure, and empty.”

Darker and darker still

At one point, my closest and best friend, left. She called out my dishonesty, my selfishness, my recklessness. The jig was up. The lie of okay-ness was crumbling.

So I began to attend 12-step meetings. I hadn’t thought about or prayed to God for years. I felt disdain for even the word “God.” But I could accept a ‘Higher Power of my own understanding.’ I began to imagine a Higher Power who was gentle and patient. I began to ask for help. I asked a woman to be my sponsor, inventoried my character defects, made some amends, felt some freedom, and began to sponsor others in recovery. My life got better.

In living more rightly, it seemed like I’d found what I was looking for. My life had certain rules, and I had things under control, I thought. I started my own business, moved in with my boyfriend, traveled the world, and got years of sobriety. Over time, I softened towards the word “God” and even felt comfortable using it. But I hated when anyone mentioned church or spoke the name “Jesus.” The more successful I was, the more self-righteous I became. Old lies were covered up with new, better-sounding ones. I stilled found ways to hide from my pain, by trying to control whatever and whoever I could. My anxiety continued to grow. Despite all outward appearances, my mind was darker and my heart harder than ever.

“In living more rightly, it seemed like I’d found what I was looking for.”

It’s darkest before the dawn

Almost seven years into recovery, my life changed forever. I woke up one day and my brain seemingly broke. I had a true mental breakdown. I was engaged to be married, but I began to question everything. Doubts about him being the ‘one’, about my sexuality, and whether I was a woman at all, overwhelmed me. Visions of suicide and my own death filled my mind. Nothing made sense to me anymore. Control and certainty were my greatest comforts, and they were gone. My body felt like it was on fire with fear. I tried to pray to God, but was terrified to ask for God’s will. Those months were the darkest time in my life. I was too afraid to turn to God, so I turned to a therapist, who directed me to the hospital where I was committed to a psychiatric ward.

From there, I began therapy and started on medication. Sitting alone in my apartment, brokenhearted by the wreckage of my life, I cried out to God. I turned to New Age spiritual practices to try to find peace and connect with something greater. It seemed to work. I had euphoric experiences and spiritual visions. My anxiety went down. I dove deep into the occult. I softened towards the name “Jesus,” believing he was a spiritual teacher, an enlightened man. At the same, I developed a growing disdain for the Church. I believed that I was enlightened, and other people - Christians especially - were in the dark. I hated them and their God. I was full of pride. Yet I called myself a “light worker” and actively called people to follow in my footsteps.

Let there be Light

I didn’t realize the spiritual danger I was in. I truly believed I was close with God. But I was being deceived by the god of this world, the same enemy who’d always been out to destroy me. I was given an assignment and promised the worldly fame and wealth I’d dreamed of when I was a little girl. I was even offered a new name. I was planning to fly to India to dive deeper into yoga and enlightenment. But God had other plans. Seeds scattered upon my heart when I was just a little girl fell in and began to take root. I saw Jesus in my meditations and felt His presence with me as I wept. At that time, I was searching for someone to follow, a spiritual teacher to lead me to enlightenment. So I began to read the Gospel of John alone in my bedroom. It turns out the Teacher was searching for me. I had recently walked away from 12-step, and was looking for loving community. So I decided to try going to church. I found out that Christians had been praying for - waiting for - me.

The Spirit convicted me of my sins. He showed me my own hatred and distrust for the very ones who’d been loving me - Jesus and His Church. He comforted me with the truth of forgiveness, of my debt fully paid for on the cross. The big, huge love I longed for more than anything I began to find and experience in Him, and through His people. I was looking for enlightenment, but found the Light himself instead! I never expected to become a Christian.

One, true Light

When I first realized that Jesus was the true Light, the Son of God, it felt like my eyes were opened all at once. I had been blind, and wrong about so many things. Yet over the last 4 years, I only seem to realize how blind I still am. Lies have been, and are being, replaced with the truth of God’s Word and it’s setting me free.

Not free from suffering. My life is not free from suffering. It might be harder than it’s ever been in some ways. It can seem like trial after trial. I’m a weak Christian. I fail frequently, and still have much fear living in me. I go to battle every day against a body and a world that has been programmed to distrust God, His ways, and His people. But I can be at peace no matter what comes. My confidence is not in me, or in this world, but in Him.

God has rewritten my story - or revealed it to me, really - by revealing His Son to me. My story is no longer defined by brokenness, by the failures of others, or by my own failures. Looking back, I can see so clearly that He never forgot me, abandoned me, or gave up on me. When all I could see or feel was chaos, He had a plan and a purpose. He has disciplined me and protected me, especially from the enemy who sought to destroy me forever. His rescue mission for me started way before I knew or accepted Him. Though I fail him, He has never failed me and never will.

I have been freed from hopelessness. I’ve been freed from worry. I don’t have to use people anymore, I get to cherish and serve them instead. I don’t have to turn to things for what only God Himself or people made in His image can give. I know my Creator cherishes me, is full of wisdom, and only wants my good - even when I don’t understand His ways. The light and truth of Jesus shines brighter in my mind and heart every day.

I’m uncertain of many things. But what I do know for certain is this: There’s only one Way to fill the emptiness in our hearts, one Truth powerful enough to defeat the lies, and one Light the darkness can never overcome.

The Light is a Person. Big, huge Love is a Person. Healing is a Person, and His Name is Jesus.

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16