I Have Seen a Great Light (My Testimony)
“The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
a light has dawned.”
Darkness
My earliest memories are of feeling afraid. I felt vulnerable and alone in a big, scary world. I longed more than anything for big, huge love. Love that could see me and keep me safe. Love that would never leave.
From the time I was born, the enemy fought hard to keep me from knowing that love. Evil powers used others’ sin, brokenness, and painful situations to make me believe lies about myself and everything else. I believed I wasn’t loved, wasn’t safe, and wasn’t worth fighting for. “You’re abandoned and forgotten”, the deceiver whispered, when my Dad moved far away. “You’re worthless and invisible”, he scoffed, when my Mom criticized my best effort. “You’re going to die”, he mocked, at every turn. Any spark of goodness, of God’s image, in me, the enemy worked hard to extinguish. When I was 7 years old, my teacher gave me an award for joyfulness! But over time, my joy faded and I became more sad, afraid, and insecure.
Still, seeds of God’s truth and goodness were scattered upon my heart through Christian teachers and many others, probably in countless ways. I turned to God sometimes in prayer and felt comforted. I wrote a song about him rescuing his people out of Egypt through Moses. I was cherished, provided for, and protected in the deepest way. But I couldn’t see it. My mind was dark and the lies of the enemy lodged deep in my heart.
“I longed more than anything for big, huge love. Love that could see me and keep me safe. Love that would never leave.”
Looking for light
As early as I can remember, I began to look for relief from the anxiety and anguish inside. I tried to hide from it and did my best to hide it from others too. I did everything I could to escape from my pain. I turned to all sorts of things — storybooks, my own thoughts, daydreams, and accolades. Rarely did I open up to anyone or let people in, though I desperately desired their approval and attention.
Early on, I discovered boys. Their attention and physical affection gave me a taste of the love and acceptance I longed for. I discovered alcohol and how my anxiety and insecurity went away when I drank. I started partying and getting in trouble. I compared myself to other girls and wanted what they had. I believed the right clothes, a car, and being popular would make me feel better. I tried hard to be someone cool and acceptable at school, while my pain expressed itself through rage at home. Without realizing it, I used all sorts of things, and people, to try to find peace and run from the deep emptiness in my heart. Everything I did was driven by fear and the pain of not believing I was cherished, provided for, or protected.
When your light is darkness
This is how I got by. I accepted attention and affection from just about any male who would give it. I began blacking out. I spent a night in jail, lost friends, woke up in strange places, received complaints at work. I lied, stole, and betrayed friends. I started having panic attacks and getting in trouble with the law.
My ways made me feel good in the moment. But they came with consequences. Meanwhile, my pain didn’t actually go away and only seemed to get bigger. I needed more and more to feel okay. Things I told myself I’d never do, eventually I did.
All the while, I told myself that other people were way worse. Every dark place I ended up, I believed the lie that everyone else in that same place was way sicker than I was. I excused and minimized my behavior. I hung around people who lived like me and wouldn’t challenge or confront me. I felt more or less okay as long as I was occupied. But inside, it was darkness and was only getting darker. I was lost. I was still anxious and ashamed - and more and more of it was because of my own choices. I was destroying myself and didn’t care about anyone around me.
“All the while, I told myself that other people were way worse. Every dark place I ended up, I believed the lie that everyone else in that same place was way sicker than I was. ”
Right after college, my closest friend left. She called out my selfishness and ended our relationship. I knew I was not a good friend or person.
So I started going to 12-step meetings and got sober. I had forgotten about God and hadn’t tried talking to him in years. I felt disdain for even the word “God.” But I could accept a ‘Higher Power of my own understanding.’ I began to imagine a Higher Power who was gentle and patient, but would never get angry or tell me what to do. I became more willing to open up to people. I asked a woman to be my sponsor, inventoried my character defects, made some amends, felt some freedom, and began to sponsor others in recovery. My life got better.
I tried to be a better person, follow certain rules, and believed I had things under control. I started my own business, had a boyfriend, traveled the world, and got years of sobriety. Over time, I softened towards the word “God” and even felt comfortable using it. But I hated when anyone mentioned church or spoke the name of Jesus. And the more successful I was, the more conceited I became. I didn’t believe I actually needed God, and eventually was persuaded that he wasn’t real anyway. My anxiety continued to grow. I tried to control whatever and whoever I could to avoid actually feeling it. Things looked reasonably put-together on the outside, but inside was darker than ever.
It’s darkest before the dawn
Almost seven years into 12-step recovery, my life changed forever. I woke up one day and my brain broke. It was like a switch turned inside. The anxiety I’d been trying to control and avoid flooded in. I was engaged to be married and began to question everything. Doubts overwhelmed me. Confusing, scary thoughts and images filled my mind. Nothing made sense. Control, my greatest comfort, was gone. My body felt like it was on fire with fear. Those months were the darkest time in my life. I thought of God, but I was terrified to pray for his will like the 12 steps had taught me. I realized I didn’t trust it, I only trusted my will. My life fell apart and I was involuntarily hospitalized in a psychiatric ward.
When I was released, I sat alone in my apartment and felt broken-hearted by the wreckage of my life. I was in so much pain. I sincerely cried out to God on my knees. I turned to New Age spiritual practices to find peace. It seemed to work. I had euphoric experiences and spiritual visions. My anxiety went down. I dove deep into the occult. I even softened towards the name of Jesus, believing he was a spiritual guru. At the same time, I developed a growing disdain for the Church. I believed I was enlightened and other people - Christians especially - were in the dark. I spoke out against them and the Bible on social media. I was full of pride, judgment, and my heart was cold. Yet I called myself a “light worker” and told people to follow in my footsteps.
“I was full of pride, judgment, and my heart was cold. Yet I called myself a “light worker” and told people to follow in my footsteps.”
Let there be Light
I truly believed I knew God during this time. I was communicating with dark spirits pretending to be good, and didn’t know it. But the One, true God had plans to save me. Seeds scattered upon my heart when I was just a little girl had fallen into it’s cracks and were beginning to take root. I had encounters with Christians in my graduate program that contradicted my judgments about them. One day, Jesus came to my mind during meditation and I felt his loving presence with me as I cried. Believing the Bible was just another spiritual text, I started reading the Gospel of John alone in my bedroom. I’d left 12-step groups and decided to try church in search of a new community. So many things, more than I can even write here, converged all at once, in perfect timing, to bring me to my Savior.
I felt convicted of my countless wrongs, and was comforted with the truth of forgiveness, of my shame + guilt fully taken by Jesus on the cross. I learned that the people I’d hated, Christians from my graduate program, had been praying for me. The big, huge love I longed for more than anything I began to find and experience in Jesus and his people. Over time, he revealed the joy and hope of his resurrection to me - my biggest fear and enemy, death, and every other enemy defeated forever. I was looking for enlightenment, but found the Light himself instead! I never expected to become a Christian.
One, true Light
When I first realized that Jesus was the Light of the world, God incarnate, it felt like my eyes were opened all at once. I had been blind, and wrong about so many things. Yet over the last 4 years, I only seem to realize how blind I still am. Lies have been, and are being, replaced with the truth of God’s truth that sets me free.
To be clear, my life is not free from suffering. It’s harder than it’s ever been in some ways. I am being baptized with fire. I’m a weak Christian who fails frequently. I go to battle every day against a mind and body that has been conditioned to distrust God and his ways. But that is changing, slowly but surely. I am being transformed from the inside out. I’m being set free from hopelessness. Loneliness. Pride. Anxiety. I’m very much an unfinished work. But my heart is not dark or cold anymore - the light and truth of Jesus shines brighter in it every day. The 7-year-old me who was awarded for her joyfulness is being restored! And this time, with a joy that can never be taken from me.
Looking back, I can see that God chose me and cherished me from the beginning. He never forgot me, abandoned me, or gave up on me even when I did him. When all I could see or feel was chaos, he was working with a plan and a purpose. He disciplined me and protected me, especially from the enemy who sought to kill and destroy me forever. He has always been here, loving me, even when I couldn’t see him.
God has rewritten my story - or revealed it to me, really. My story is not mainly about sin, loss, or brokenness, about others’ failures, my own failures, or even my own successes.
My story is about Jesus. About God’s big, huge love that never fails, even when I did and do.
(And I believe the same is and will be true for you too.)
“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”
