I have seen a great Light (my testimony)

We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is the Word of life. This one who is life itself was revealed to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and proclaim to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was revealed to us. We proclaim to you what we ourselves have actually seen and heard so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We are writing these things so that you may fully share our joy. 1 John 1:1-4

Born into darkness

I was born into a broken home, in a broken world. From the time I was little, I had a deep sensitivity and ache in my soul. I walked around with an emptiness in my heart. I longed, more than anything, for big, huge, love.

From the time I was born, the enemy fought hard to keep my heart from ever being whole and healed. Evil powers used sin, brokenness + painful situations to make me believe lies about myself and everyone else. Many of the messages I received told me I wasn’t loved, wasn’t safe, and wasn’t worth fighting for. “You’re abandoned and forgotten”, the deceiver whispered, when my Daddy moved far away. “You’re worthless”, he scoffed, when my Mom criticized me. “You’re going to die”, he mocked, at every turn. Any spark of goodness, of God’s image, in me, the enemy worked hard to extinguish. When I was 7 years old, my teacher gave me an award for joyfulness! But over time, my joy faded - in it’s place, I became more and more sad, afraid, and insecure.

Still, seeds of God’s truth and goodness were scattered upon my heart by Christian teachers, by occasionally going to church, watching Veggie Tales, or being taken to VBS by my Grandma. I turned to God sometimes in prayer and felt his comfort. I wrote a song about him rescuing his people out of Egypt through Moses. I was cherished, provided for, and protected in the deepest way. But my mind was dark and the lies of the enemy lodged deep in my heart.

“ I walked around with a big emptiness in my heart. I longed, more than anything, for big, huge love.”

Looking for light

As early as I can remember, I began to seek relief and escape from the pain, anxiety, and tormenting lies inside. I tried to hide from my pain and did my best to hide it from others too. I found all sorts of ways to escape and hope — storybooks, being a straight A student, daydreaming about fame and worldly riches. I was a good girl and didn’t get in trouble. In my most afraid moments, I turned to God in prayer. But the rest of the time, I turned to everything else.

In high school, I discovered boys. Their attention, physical affection, and validation gave me a taste of the love and acceptance I longed for. I discovered alcohol and how my anxiety and insecurity went away when I drank. I started getting in trouble. I compared myself to other girls and coveted what they had. I tried hard to be someone people liked. I focused on my friends’ issues and helped other people with their pain if it meant I didn’t have to face mine. I used all sorts of things to manufacture peace and run from the ache and emptiness in my heart, including - especially - people. Everything I did was driven by this fear, insecurity, and the emptiness of not knowing God or his love for me.

When your light is darkness

I found countless ways to get by. My survival strategies always seemed effective, at least before they turned on me. I accepted attention and affection from just about any male who would give it. I began blacking out. I spent a night in jail, lost friends, woke up in strange places, received complaints at work. I lied, stole, and betrayed friends. I started having panic attacks and getting in trouble with the law.

My ways would give me temporary peace and satisfaction. But they also came with all of these undesirable side effects. It was like a bait and switch. As my pain became bigger, I looked for more and more to feel okay. Things I told myself I’d never do, eventually I did.

All the while, I told myself that other people were way worse. Every dark place I ended up, I believed the lie that everyone else in that same place was way more dysfunctional than I was. I excused and minimized my behavior. I hid behind a mask of okay-ness and worked hard to make sure my life was socially acceptable on the outside. But inside, it was darkness and was only getting darker. I was selfish, a coward, and a fraud. I was deeply afraid and ashamed - and more and more of it was because of my own choices. My hurt was hurting everyone around me.

“I excused and minimized my behavior. I hid behind a mask of okay-ness and worked hard to make sure my life was socially acceptable on the outside.”

Darker and darker still

At one point, my closest and best friend, left. She called out my dishonesty, my selfishness, my recklessness. The jig was up. The lie of okay-ness was crumbling.

So I began to attend 12-step meetings. I hadn’t thought about or prayed to God for years. I felt disdain for even the word “God.” But I could accept a ‘Higher Power of my own understanding.’ I began to imagine a Higher Power who was gentle and patient. I became open to help. I asked a woman to be my sponsor, inventoried my character defects, made some amends, felt some freedom, and began to sponsor others in recovery. My life got better.

In living more rightly, it seemed like I’d found what I was looking for. My life had certain rules, and I believed I had things under control. I started my own business, moved in with my boyfriend, traveled the world, and got years of sobriety. Over time, I softened towards the word “God” and even felt comfortable using it. But I hated when anyone mentioned church or spoke the name Jesus. And the more successful I was, the more conceited I became. Old lies were covered up with new, better-sounding ones. I still found ways to hide from my pain, like by trying to control whatever and whoever I could. I didn’t believe I actually needed God, and eventually was convinced that he wasn’t real. But my anxiety continued to grow. Despite all outward appearances, my mind was darker than ever.

“In living more rightly, it seemed like I’d found what I was looking for. My life had certain rules, and I believed I had things under control. ”

It’s darkest before the dawn

Almost seven years into recovery, my life changed forever. I woke up one day and my brain broke. I had a true mental breakdown. I was engaged to be married, but I began to question everything. Doubts overwhelmed me. Confusing, scary thoughts and images filled my mind. Nothing made sense. Control and certainty were my greatest comforts, and they were suddenly gone. My body felt like it was on fire with fear. Those months were the darkest time in my life. I thought of God again, but I was terrified to pray for his will. I didn’t trust it or want it. So I turned to a therapist. Soon after, I was committed to a psychiatric ward and diagnosed with OCD.

After I was released, I sat alone in my new apartment and felt truly devastated at the wreckage of my life. I was in so much pain. I cried out to God on my knees. I turned to New Age spiritual practices to try to find peace. It seemed to work. I had euphoric experiences and spiritual visions. My anxiety went down. I dove deep into the occult. I softened towards the name “Jesus,” believing he was a spiritual teacher, an enlightened man. At the same, I developed a growing disdain for the Church. I believed that I was enlightened, and other people - Christians especially - were in the dark. I hated them and their God. I was full of pride and judgement. Yet I called myself a “light worker” and actively called people to follow in my footsteps.

Let there be Light

I truly believed I knew God during this time. But I was being deceived by demonic spirits masquerading as something good. I was given an assignment and promised the worldly fame and wealth I’d dreamed of when I was a little girl. I was even offered a new name in meditation. I was planning to fly to India to dive deeper into yoga and enlightenment. But God had other plans. Seeds scattered upon my heart when I was just a little girl fell in and began to take root. One day, I met Jesus in my meditation and felt His presence with me as I cried. I was searching for someone to follow, a spiritual teacher to lead me to enlightenment. So I began to read the Gospel of John alone in my bedroom. It turns out the Teacher was searching for me. I walked away from 12-step too, and was looking for loving community. So I decided to try going to church. I found out that Christians had been praying for - waiting for - me. So many things converged all at once, in perfect timing, to bring me to my Savior.

The Holy Spirit showed me my sins. He showed me my own hatred and distrust for the very ones who’d been loving me - the true, biblical Jesus and His Church. He comforted me with the truth of forgiveness, of my debt fully paid for on the cross. The big, huge love I longed for more than anything I began to find and experience in Jesus, and through His people. I was looking for enlightenment, but found the Light himself instead! I never expected to become a Christian.

One, true Light

When I first realized that Jesus was the true Light, the Son of God, it felt like my eyes were opened all at once. I had been blind, and wrong about so many things. Yet over the last 4 years, I only seem to realize how blind I still am. Lies have been, and are being, replaced with the truth of God’s Word that sets me free.

Not free from suffering. My life is not free from suffering. It’s harder than it’s ever been in some ways. I am being baptized by fire. It can seem like trial after trial. I’m a weak Christian who fails frequently and still has much fear living in me. I go to battle every day against a body and a world that has been programmed to distrust God, His ways, and His people. But I can be at peace no matter what comes.

God has rewritten my story - or revealed it to me, really. My story is no longer defined by brokenness, by the failures of others, or by my own failures. Looking back, I can see that God never forgot me, abandoned me, or gave up on me. When all I could see or feel was chaos, He had a plan and a purpose. He has disciplined me and protected me, especially from the enemy who sought to destroy me forever. His rescue mission for me started way before I knew or accepted Him. Though I have failed and fail him, He has never failed me.

I have been freed from hopelessness. I’ve been freed from anxiety. I’m very much an unfinished work. But the light and truth of Jesus shines brighter in my mind and heart every day. My story is now defined by His big, huge love.

Of many things I’m unsure. But what I do know is this: There’s only one Way to fill the emptiness in our hearts, one Truth powerful enough to defeat the lies that bind us, and one Light the darkness can never overcome.

The Light is a Person. Big, huge Love is a Person. Peace is a Person, and His Name is Jesus.

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16