How To Overcome Anxiety + Become More Secure
Anxiety has been part of my journey since I was small. I felt a terrible sense of impending doom. My mind was filled with scary thoughts about the future and every bad, unbearable thing I thought was bound to happen. I tried countless ways to control my anxiety and feel okay, but I only became more and more anxious as the years went on. It was a vicious cycle. The longer I was in it, the more desperate and hopeless I felt. Fear seemed to color and control everything.
My anxiety, but especially my misguided attempts to self-soothe, landed me in all sorts of places I didn’t want to be and, at the same time, kept me from the places I did want to be.
Thankfully, anxiety was not the end of my journey.
My nervous system is still healing. Scary thoughts and assumptions about the future still show up in my mind. I can still self-soothe in unhelpful ways. But all of it is less frequent now, and none of it has the same power. I’m not a slave to anxiety anymore and it doesn’t have the final say.
Freedom is possible. There is healing. This is what I’ve learned about overcoming anxiety.
The Relational Root of Anxiety
The most important thing I’ve learned about anxiety is that it has a very important relational piece to it. It often starts in relationship, shows up in our relationships, and is healed in relationship.
More Insecure, More Anxious
Studies show that insecure attachment and anxiety are strongly, directly, positively correlated. “Insecure attachment” is when someone we have a relationship with, like a parent, does not consistently respond to our needs when we express them. All sorts of things can contribute to this (like not expressing our needs, or getting unhelpful responses when we do) but the result is that we feel alone, uncared for, and - yep, insecure. We start to believe that we’re on our own and our needs won’t be met - even if that’s not fully true.
Things like chronic worrying and an extra nervous nervous system reflect how alone and insecure we feel in the world. Next time you feel anxious (maybe right now?), try swapping “I feel anxious” with “I feel alone” or “I feel insecure” and you might be surprised at how well it fits! This is why learning how to be in safe, secure relationship with others, including with God, is the heart of overcoming anxiety. This means having relationships where we honestly express our needs to others and experience a helpful response when we do.
Anxiety and aloneness go hand in hand. But peace and freedom are found in secure relationship. Mountains literally look smaller when we have someone we trust looking at them with us! We can face anything when we truly know we’re not alone or on our own.
Anxiety + Your Relationship with God
Anxiety isn’t small fear, it’s big fear that something bad is going to happen. And not just something bad, but unbearable. Unbearable is just another way of saying impossible to face. As you’ve just learned, this points to feeling or being alone. With this in mind, if you asked your anxiety, what does it believe about God? Does it acknowledge him? Who do you - your mind and your body - know and believe him to be? What do your self-soothing strategies reflect about your relationship with God, security-wise?
Debilitating anxiety can tell us something about our relationship with God. If we don’t acknowledge him and/or believe that he can and will respond to our needs when we express them, we feel alone and afraid in a big, broken world. By honestly looking at our relationship with God, we can become more secure and less anxious in the deepest, truest sense.
Becoming More Secure
Through this relational lens, it’s easy to understand why what helps people overcome anxiety (and anxiety-related disorders like OCD) are things that help us be (or begin to feel as if we are) in secure relationship with God and others. Things like talk therapy, exposure therapy, CBT, even medications, tell and teach our minds and bodies that there is safety, we’re not alone, and we do or will have what we need to confidently face pain and suffering. These things ‘work’ because they meet needs that we have - for safety, belonging, and comfort, to name a few.
They often do this without acknowledging God, which leaves our anxiety issue only, maybe, partly treated. Still, these interventions bring some relief because they attempt to meet real needs we have and align us with something true - something true because God is who He is.
My favorite verse in the whole Bible is from 1 John 1:18. It starts like this:“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”
Our life-or-death, doom-expecting fear is driven out by perfect love. It’s driven out by secure relationship. With other people and most of all, with God. We are not alone, and our needs don’t need to be unmet.
The following are practices that have helped me have more secure relationships, so I can be less afraid and face whatever comes more confidently. Many of these practices can be done by yourself to start (you are in relationship with yourself!) but their true gift and your truest healing is found in secure relationship with others. Not alone. More secure, less anxious. That’s the goal.
1. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is simply paying attention. More specifically, it’s paying attention to something without judging or trying to change it - not yet anyway. This requires us to be curious and simply name what we see. Paying attention to when we’re feeling anxious, and what we think and do in response to those feelings, is the first step to freedom. To do this, we have to slow down - enough to notice our own body, mind, and behavior. Anxiety shows up in our bodies as tensed muscles (ex. a clenched jaw), fidgeting, increased heart rate, shallow and/or fast breathing, an upset stomach, or other digestive issues. It can show up in our minds as constant what if’s, jumping to conclusions, difficulty focusing, and/or trying to figure it all out. We all do something with our anxious feelings and thoughts, often something insecure that keeps us stuck in the vicious anxiety cycle. We want to non-judgmentally pay attention to and name those feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
Practice It
Sit in silence and stillness for 2 minutes. Pay attention to any physical sensations, feelings, thoughts, urges, and/or internal or external behaviors that come up for you during those few minutes. Don’t try to change them. When the time is up, write down what you noticed without judgment.
Make It Relational
Work with a therapist or mentor who you feel comfortable sharing your observations with and can also gently reflect what they see in you: your feelings, thought patterns, and/or behaviors. Mindfulness is a skill ideally learned in safe relationship, with someone paying attention to you and helping you name what’s going on. (When choosing a therapist, you can specifically express this as a need and what you are looking for!)
Ask God to search your heart and share what he sees in you. He will only ever share what is helpful for you to know at any given time. Alternatively, you can share the honest feelings, thoughts, and behaviors you notice in yourself with God in prayer. He is compassionate, not waiting to condemn you.
2. Honoring limits
A secure relationship includes expressing our needs. We can’t do this if we live like we don’t have any! Anxious feelings can be a sign that we are trying to live ‘too big.’ This is when we ignore our limits and try to function as if we don’t have needs. This makes our bodies feel chronically unsafe and overwhelmed. We are not designed to be all-knowing, hyper-independent, or to never say no. When we acknowledge that we have limits, we also acknowledge that we are not limitless and need support from others. Sometimes we need compassion and understanding, wisdom on what to do, space from something that hurts, or some other form of support. We need to be honest about the fact that we are human. Having needs is a good, human thing. Honoring our limits is getting honest about having needs, so we can begin to pay attention to and name them.
Practice It
Reflect on the following question: “What thoughts, behaviors, or situations contribute to my feeling anxious?” Write down anything that comes to mind. Then, based on your list, reflect and journal on the following questions: 1. “How am I trying to be ‘too big’?” and 2. “What do I need?”
Make It Relational
Notice if and when you feel anxious in one of your relationships. Reflect on what personal limit your feelings might be pointing to, what type of support you need, and how you might express your need to that person.
Take what you find in your time of reflection to God. Practice expressing your needs to him. Do you need wisdom? Understanding? Comfort? Rest? Forgiveness? You are never too needy for God. (Keep in mind that you may have to wait and your need may be met in an unexpected way!)
3. Taking Thoughts Captive
One of my clients said it perfectly, “I’m held captive by my thoughts - it’s miserable!” Being held captive by our automatic thoughts is misery because they are rarely fully true or helpful - they just feed anxiety! We are held captive when we believe our automatic thoughts and accept them as truth. Taking our thoughts captive is paying attention to them and lovingly correcting them when they aren’t fully true or helpful. We can correct our thoughts by seeking the facts about different things and speaking the helpful, whole truth to ourselves instead.
Practice It
Write down one statement thought (not a question) that’s been contributing to your anxiety this week. Look for evidence for and against the thought and write it down in two columns. You can seek wisdom by asking a trusted friend or mentor, searching online, and/or searching Scripture. Then, re-write your automatic thought with a more accurate, helpful, and nuanced statement based off of the evidence.
Note: Do not engage in this practice if/when your body is feeling very unsafe. Try the affirmation, gratitude, and/or singing + movement practices first to help your body feel safe if needed. This practice is for when you’re feeling more safe than afraid and your thinking brain is ‘turned on.’
Make It Relational
Do this practice with a trusted friend or mentor who has more wisdom than you. Share your thoughts about a recent situation with them and ask them if they hear anything that sounds off, untrue, or incomplete. Ask if they would add anything to what you’ve shared. (You don’t have to accept their thoughts as gospel truth, but consider them!)
Do this same practice with God by asking him in prayer to show you the honest truth and searching Scripture to see what he says is true. Write down biblical evidence (ex. verses) for and against the thought you wrote down.
4. Affirmations
Saying affirmations is simply speaking the truth to ourselves once we’ve identified it. Since we can expect our minds to tell us lies, we need to “re-mind” ourselves of what’s true often. Untrue thoughts, even comforting ones, feed anxiety, but true thoughts lead to peace (even if they feel temporarily uncomfortable!) Affirmations can be short and simple. And they are not just about us. We need “re-minders” about what’s true about all sorts of things, including God and other people. It’s essential to affirm the truth about all of the above in a world (and in minds) that make up false stories about them.
Practice It
Based on your current need, choose one of the following affirmations to tell yourself at least once per day for the next week: “I have value that doesn’t depend on my appearance, ability, or how perfect I am.” “I’m loved and cared for.” “I’m provided for.” “I have choices.” “I can learn from my mistakes.” “I can ask for what I need.” “It’s normal for me to need help.” “I’m dependent on God and others.” “I can be (or am) forgiven.” “I have limits, but God does not.” You can also replace for any of the above.
Make It Relational
Do the practice above and choose one of the above affirmations, but replace “I” or “me/my” with the name of a loved one who you need to be reminded of the truth about (“____ is provided for.”) If you’d like help with hearing or being reminded of the affirmation you chose for yourself in the previous practice, express your need with a friend and make a request.
Do the practice above, but choose a scriptural affirmation about God (ex. “His heart for me is gentle and humble.” (Matt. 11:29)) If you need help with knowing what’s true about him, yourself, someone else, or anything else, express your need to him. He will guide you into the truth.
5. Fixing (and Re-fixing) Your Gaze
Fixing (and re-fixing your gaze) means focusing and re-focusing your attention when distractions pop up. Our attention is our most precious resource and people who are anxious often spend a lot of time paying attention to the wrong things. Neuroscience shows that “we become what we behold.” When it isn’t helpful or possible in the moment to correct automatic thoughts or to change how we feel, we don’t have to “behold and become” those things. We don’t need to fixate on every negative possibility or everything that’s outside of our power. We do need to focus and re-focus our attention somewhere better and more beautiful. Somewhere like the day we’re in (not tomorrow), the power we do have, or the ways we’re being provided for.
Practice It
Set a timer for 2 minutes. Fix your gaze (attention) on a single, preferably beautiful spot in your environment or on an image. When any internal or external distractions pop up (ex. like distracting thoughts, feelings, or noises), acknowledge them for a moment, and then re-focus back to the beautiful spot.
Make It Relational
Fix your ‘gaze’ on the person you’re with in the moment. Momentarily acknowledge internal or external distractions to yourself and then re-focus your attention back to the person in front of you. If you’d like someone to pay attention to you, trying expressing your need and making a request.
Do the suggested practice, but fix your ‘gaze’ on God by focusing on his words (ex. a Bible verse), a mental image of him (ex. Jesus resurrected and seated on the throne), or something he’s done/is doing (ex. a time he provided what you needed.) Momentarily acknowledge internal or external distractions and then re-focus your attention back to him. If you’d like to know he’s paying attention to you (he is!), try expressing your need to him (then, keep reading…)
6. Gratitude
Gratitude is simply ‘fixing your gaze’ on the gifts in your life. Did you know that our brains and bodies physically can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time? That’s because gifts speak of safety and of needs being met! They are signs that someone is compassionately paying attention to us. People who are very anxious tend to miss safety signs. Our ‘happy detectors’, as one of my clients would call it, are dull, while our danger detectors are super sharp. We need to strengthen our ‘happy detectors’ by paying attention to the gifts in our life. We are not alone! When we’re anxious, we’ve lost sight of all the evidence that we’re personally seen, protected, and provided for. But when we’re grateful, we lose sight of any reason to be anxious.
Practice It
Think of five specific things you’re grateful for in/from your life. These can be people, relationships, memories, or moments. The more specific and detailed you are, the better. Put those five ‘gifts’ on paper (in words or drawings) and then spend 1-2 minutes reading, remembering, and thinking about each one, including how each one met/meets your needs. Allow yourself to really appreciate each gift. Notice how you feel after.
Make It Relational
Look for and name the specific ways the people in your life care for you and help meet your needs. Then, thank them specifically for those gifts. If you’d like to know you’re appreciated for the ways you intentionally or unintentionally meet someone else’s needs, try expressing your need and making a request.
Thank God directly for each of the five gifts you identified. Every good thing is from him and he uses even the bad things for good.
7. Lament
If I told you to focus on the gifts and be grateful without telling you to acknowledge the broken and lament over it, I’d only make your anxiety worse. Lament means to express pain. We need both gratitude and lament because both goodness and pain are real. Many of us who are anxious never learned how to safely feel and express pain, including in our relationships. Some of us came to believe that expressing our pain, even in healthy ways, was bad. But “bottling up” pain feeds anxiety. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or regret, pain needs to be paid attention to. Pain makes perfect sense in a broken world. Sometimes we just need to cry and be honest about what we’re feeling, and find that our anxiety is so much less when we do.
If you’re new to this practice, I recommend limiting the time you spend focusing on your pain. Setting a time limit on your lament might sound funny, but it actually creates safety. This teaches your body and mind to pay attention to pain without getting stuck in it or falling for the lie of hopelessness because of it.
Practice It
Set a timer for 5 minutes. Start by naming a pain of yours (ex. a specific feeling) and what may be contributing to that pain (ex. a situation or thought.) Allow yourself to feel and express your feeling(s) by crying or processing it in a visual way (ex. drawing something that represents it.) Be careful not to blindly believe your automatic thoughts about your pain. At the end of the timer, pause, take a deep breath, and either let the pain go (if it feels ‘finished’) or set it on a “shelf” to revisit later. Then, choose to fix your ‘gaze’ on something that is not your pain.
Make It Relational
Do the above practice with a trusted counselor or friend. Request that they listen and pay attention to the pain you share without trying to fix it or agreeing with your automatic thoughts about it. As you experience this yourself (alone and with others), practice doing the same for others.
Do the above practice with God. He grieves with you and can contain whatever you’re carrying.
8. Confession
“If they knew who I really was, they wouldn’t love me.” If they saw how selfish I am, how ________ I am, I would be rejected. Many people with anxiety, particularly social anxiety, struggle with this belief - often because we’ve actually experienced it. Because there is a big fear of rejection, parts of us that need loving are kept locked away from everyone instead of only some people. We have a good need to know that we are truly, fully known and loved. But if we aren’t honest with anyone about the parts of us we feel ashamed of, how can those parts get what they need? We need these insecure parts of us to be known by another so we can experience more secure relationship and internalize that safety. Confessing what we feel embarrassed or ashamed of with a compassionate, truthful, non-condemning other is how we do this. It feels embarrassing and humiliating at first. But that is, oddly enough, the whole point. When we confess what we feel ashamed of in a safe relationship, allow ourselves to feel a healthy bit of embarrassment, and aren’t rejected, but embraced and (where we need it) forgiven, our fear of rejection loses its power.
Practice It
Start by practicing confession with yourself. Set a 2 minute timer and write down what you feel embarrassed or ashamed of - this can include things you’ve done, traits you see in yourself or things you don’t like about yourself, and/or things that others have done to you. Take breaks (and fix your gaze (attention) on something else) anytime you need to. If it’s helpful, follow this practice with the practice of ‘Lament’ above.
Make It Relational
Do the above practice and then share your confession with a compassionate, truthful, non-condemning friend or mentor. This should be someone who you feel accepted by, feel safe to express pain to, and who won’t be quick to minimize, excuse, and/or dismiss your confession. If you need an affirmation of the truth (ex. “You have value that doesn’t depend on your appearance, ability, or how perfect you are.”), practice expressing your need and making a request.
Do the above practice and then share your confession with God privately. He is not waiting to punish you or rub your face in what you already feel bad about. He already knows everything about you, and is waiting to embrace you, (where needed) forgive you, and heal you. He is safe to bring your whole self to.
9. Singing + Movement
You already know what singing and movement are. These are ways to express and/or experience stress physically. People with anxiety hold a lot of stress and, at the same time, are stress-avoidant because even small amounts of it tend to feel overwhelming. We need to practice expressing and releasing our stress in healthy ways and exposing ourselves to small amounts of stress, so we can heal. Singing or humming is a physical (and often emotional) way to express both positive and negative stress (ex. gratitude and lament.) When we sing or hum, our nervous system regulates and our heart rate slows. In other words, it helps our bodies know we’re safe. Physical movement can be a way to both express and release excess stress, and gently expose ourselves to stress. When we move, our bodies produce endorphins, like ‘happy chemicals.’ Sometimes an anxious body just needs to get moving!
Practice It
The next time you feel anxious, practice releasing some of your stress by shaking out the parts of you that feel tense and jumping up and down a few times. Notice how you feel after. (If it’s helpful, you can follow this up with the Affirmations, Re-fixing Your Gaze, and/or Gratitude practices.)
Make It Relational
If you need to incorporate more movement, or more gentle movement, into your life, do it with a friend! Go on a walk, go dancing, or join an exercise class with a friend or loved one. Release stress together! Moving with someone can also release oxytocin, bringing you closer together.
The next time you notice yourself feeling anxious or stressed, whether positive or negative, put on a worship song of your choice and release your stress through singing! It sounds sweet to him even when you’re off-key.
Over time, incorporating these practices into my life and relationships has helped me become more secure and less anxious. Start with just one and try it out. Baby steps can lead to big changes. We don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety and insecurity.
There is safety available. We are seen and cared for. We’re not alone.
As you engage these practices, especially with secure others and with God, you will actually taste and know this reality. With your body, mind, and soul. God sees us. He cares for us and longs for secure relationship with us. He gives us people to love us and show us this too, as we express our needs and give others the freedom and opportunity to respond to them. But even when we or they fail, God’s love is the always-perfect love that drives out our fear for good.
I’m not fully healed. I’m very much a work in progress. But I don’t have to be a slave to anxious thoughts or feelings anymore. And I don’t have to respond to them in ways that only make things worse and keep me insecure. I’m not fully healed, but I’m free.
Anxiety For Good
The broken, anxious body and brain that once caused me so much pain (and still causes me pain sometimes), God has used for so much good. I get to love and show other people who are stuck in anxiety and insecurity the way out, and cheer them on as they walk it, so we can be free and whole with God and together.
The truth is, I tried all sorts of ways to feel better apart from him and other people. I desperately searched for safety in myself, in substances, in sex, in you name it. Only in Jesus did I find the safety I was looking and longing for all along. He showed (and shows) me God’s perfect love and has been driving out my fear ever since.
Let’s revisit my favorite Bible verse for a moment , 1 John 1:18. This time, we’ll read the whole thing.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
I hurt myself and others a lot in the process of trying to not feel so afraid and to keep myself safe. Sometimes, our sense of impending doom has to do with punishment because we know we’ve done wrong. We feel condemned by our own choices and don’t see any way out of the consequences of them.
But the good news is that God sees us, all of us, and doesn’t reject us. On the contrary, he came down into our broken world in the person of Jesus and went to the very ends of it - to the cross - to save us and show us he accepts us. The question is whether we will accept him. Some of my greatest needs, as it turns out, have always been mercy, compassion, patience, forgiveness - things that, through Jesus, I learned God has in endless abundance for me.
Accepting and knowing him is the number one thing that has set (and is still setting) me free from anxiety. In him, I’ve found the perfectly secure relationship. No matter what I’m facing, I have a God whose with me and will gladly give me all I need.
With Jesus, we don’t have to be afraid. We only have to trust him. In him alone, we are truly, deeply, eternally secure.
