How to overcome anxiety by becoming more secure
Anxiety has been part of my journey from the time I was little girl. I felt a terrible sense of impending doom. My mind would fill with scary thoughts. I tried countless ways to control my anxiety and feel free, but I only became more and more anxious. It was a vicious cycle. I still experience those same feelings and thoughts sometimes, but I’m not controlled by them anymore. I want you to know that freedom from the prison of anxiety is possible. You can walk out of your anxiety cell, one small, willing step at a time. You can be more than a conqueror. I have a long way to go on the journey, but I’m already more peaceful, present, and secure than I used to be. Anxiety doesn’t have to have the final word. I hope to share what I’ve learned so far about anxiety and overcoming it - insight that might help you think about your anxiety differently and 9 practices to help you truly be and live free.
This is how to overcome anxiety by becoming more secure.
The relational root of anxiety
How does becoming more secure make you less anxious? The most important thing I’ve learned about anxiety is that it has a very important relational piece to it. It often starts in relationship, shows up in our relationships, and is healed in relationship.
Studies show that insecure attachment and anxiety are strongly, directly, positively correlated. Insecure attachment is when someone we have a relationship with, like a parent, does not consistently respond to our needs when we express them. This makes us feel alone, uncared for, and - yep, insecure.
The more insecure someone is in their relationships, the more severe their anxiety is.
Next time you feel anxious (maybe right now?), try swapping “I feel anxious” with “I feel alone” or “I feel insecure” and you might be surprised at how well they fit.
Things like chronic worrying, social anxiety, an extra fearful nervous system, reflect how alone we feel. Hence, learning how to be in safe, secure, real relationship with others - and especially with God - is the heart of overcoming anxiety. Anxiety and aloneness go hand in hand. Freedom comes from real, responsive relationship.
You might be wondering what God has to do with it.
Anxiety isn’t small fear. It’s big fear that something bad is going to happen. It’s that terrible sense of impending doom.
If we asked them, what might our doom-expecting feelings and thoughts believe about God? Who do we - our bodies, at least - know and believe Him to be? Does our fear itself or, more importantly, what we do with that fear reflect a secure or insecure relationship with God?
Anxiety can be a reflection of our ultimate relationship with God too - not just people. If we don’t believe that He is fully capable, cares for us, and will respond to our needs when we express them, we feel alone and afraid in a big, unpredictable world. By honestly looking at our relationship with God, we can become more secure and less anxious in the deepest, truest sense.
When we look at anxiety through this relational lens, it makes perfect sense that what helps people overcome anxiety (and anxiety-related disorders like OCD) are whatever helps us be (or at least move closer to being) in secure relationship with God and others. Things like talk therapy, exposure therapy, CBT, even medications, tell and teach our minds and bodies that there is safety, that we’re not all alone, that we don’t have to be so afraid of what is, at times, indeed terrible. These things ‘work’ because they meet needs that we have - for safety, connection, comfort.
They usually do this without directly acknowledging God, which leaves our anxiety issue only partly treated. Still, these interventions bring some relief because they meet our real needs and align us with something true - something true because God is God.
My favorite verse in the whole Bible is from 1 John 1:18. It starts like this:“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”
Our life-or-death, doom-expecting fear is driven out by perfect love. It’s driven out by secure relationship. With other people and most of all, with God. We are not alone or uncared for. And we don’t have to be insecure.
The following are 9 practices that have helped me have more secure relationships, so I can be less afraid. Many of these practices can be done by yourself to start, but their true gift and your truest healing is found in secure relationship with others. Not alone. More relationally secure, less anxious. That’s the goal.
Perfect love is waiting. Let’s go!
1. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is paying attention. It’s not judging or trying to change anything - not yet anyway. It’s just being curious and naming what you find. Mindfulness of when you’re feeling anxious and what you do in response to it is the first step to freedom. This requires you to slow down - enough to notice your own body, mind, and behavior. Anxiety shows up in our bodies as tensed muscles (ex. a clenched jaw), fidgeting, increased heart rate, shallow and/or fast breathing, an upset stomach, or other digestive issues. It shows up in our minds as constant noise, ‘what if’ thoughts, worst case scenarios, and trying to figure it all out. We all do something with those feelings, often something that keeps us stuck in the vicious anxiety cycle. We want to non-judgmentally notice and name those feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
Practice it:
Listen to a guided mindfulness exercise like this one. Write down what you notice in yourself (ie. related to your feelings, thoughts, urges, or behaviors) during the exercise.
Make it relational:
As you notice and name your anxiety (and whatever else), take it to God. Don’t be alone with it. Instead, tell Him what you’re feeling seeing in yourself and ask Him for what you need. If you don’t know what you need, don’t worry about it. He does.
Work with a therapist or counselor who can pay attention + gently reflect what they see in you - your feelings, thought patterns, and/or behaviors. This is a skill ideally learned in safe relationship, with someone paying attention to you and helping you name what’s going on and what you need. (When you’re choosing a therapist, you can specifically express this as a need and what you are looking for!)
2. Honoring limits
A secure relationship requires that we express our needs. But sometimes we live like we don’t have any! Anxiety can be a sign that we are trying to live ‘too big.’ This is when we ignore our limits, try to function as if we don’t have needs, and fail to exercise healthy boundaries (including with ourselves.) This makes our bodies feel chronically unsafe and overwhelmed. We are not designed to be all-knowing, or hyper-independent, or to never say no. When you acknowledge that you have limits, you also acknowledge that you are not limitless and sometimes need help from someone else. We need to be honest about the fact that we are human. Sometimes we need compassion and understanding, wisdom on what to do, space from something that hurts, or some other form of support. Having needs is a good, human thing. Honoring your limits is getting honest about what you need so you can express your needs and experience secure relationship.
Practice it:
Reflect on the thoughts, behaviors, or situations that contribute to you feeling anxious. Write down factors that are outside of your control and those within your control. Then answer the question, “What do I need?”
Make it relational:
Take what you find to God. Be honest with Him about the things that contribute to you feeling anxious and ask Him for what you need. You are never too needy for God.
Notice when you feel anxious in one of your relationships. Reflect on what you need and if there’s a request you can make for something that can help you feel safer with this person in this situation.
3. Taking thoughts captive
One of my clients said it perfectly, “I’m held captive by my thoughts - it’s miserable!” Being held captive by your automatic thoughts is misery because they are rarely true or helpful - they just feed anxiety! You are held captive when you believe your thoughts and focus on them. Taking your thoughts captive is being mindful of them and correcting them when they aren’t true or helpful. We can correct our thoughts by seeking the honest truth about different things and speaking that truth to ourselves instead.
Practice it:
Write down one statement thought (not a question) that’s been feeding your anxiety this week. Look for evidence for and against the thought and write it down in two columns. Then, re-write the thought with a more accurate, helpful, and nuanced statement based off of the evidence.
Make it relational:
Do this practice with God by asking Him to show you the honest truth and searching His Word to see what He says is true. Write down biblical evidence (ex. verses) for and against the thought you wrote down.
Do this practice with a trusted friend or mentor who has more wisdom than you, or share what you wrote down with them. Tell them if you need help with discerning the truth, encouragement, and/or constructive feedback.
4. Affirmations
Affirmations are speaking the truth to yourself. Since we can expect our minds to tell us lies, we need to “re-mind” ourselves of what’s true often. Untrue thoughts, even comforting ones, feed anxiety, but true thoughts lead to peace (even if they feel temporarily uncomfortable!) Affirmations can be short and simple. And they are not just about you. We need “re-minders” about what’s true about all sorts of things, including God and other people. It’s essential to affirm the truth about all of the above in a world (and in minds) that make up false, isolating stories about them.
Practice it:
Choose one of the following affirmations to tell yourself at least once per day for the next week: “I have value.” “I’m loved and cared for.” “I’m provided for.” “I have choices.” “I can learn from my mistakes.” “I can ask for what I need.” “It’s normal for me to need help.” “I’m dependent on God and others.” “I am not alone.” “I can be (or am) forgiven.” “I have limits and that’s okay.”
Make it relational:
Let God affirm what’s true about you, other people, Himself, and everything else by reading His Word. God affirms both the deeply convicting (uncomfortable) and deeply comforting truth to us, which brings peace. (If you don’t know where to start, try the book of Genesis or John.)
Ask a wise friend to remind you of what’s true when your thoughts are loud or you’re hurting in some way. Ask for any specific reminders you need to hear aloud (see above affirmations.)
5. Fixing your gaze
Fixing your gaze is another way to take your thoughts captive. It means to focus your attention. Your attention is one of your most precious resources. Neuroscience proves the old poetic saying that “we become what we behold.” When it isn’t possible or practical in the moment to correct untrue or unhelpful thoughts, you don’t have to “behold and become” them! You can choose to focus your attention somewhere better and more beautiful. Somewhere like the present moment, or a precious memory, or the ways you are being provided for.
Practice it:
Set a timer for 2 minutes. Fix your gaze and attention on a single, preferably beautiful, spot in your environment or of an image. When any internal or external distractions pop up, acknowledge them for a moment, and re-focus to the beautiful spot.
Make it relational:
Rather than a spot in your environment, try fixing your gaze on God by focusing on His words (ex. a Bible verse), a mental image of Him (ex. resurrected and seated on the throne), or something He has done/is doing (ex. a way He provided for you or protected you from harm.)
Fix your gaze on the person you’re with, momentarily acknowledge internal or external distractions to yourself, and re-focus your attention back to the friend or loved one in front of you. If you find yourself needing attention yourself, let them know. Attention is a form of love.
6. Gratitude
Gratitude is fixing your gaze on the gifts in your life. Did you know that our brains and bodies physically can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time? That’s because gifts speak of safety. They are signs that someone is compassionately paying attention to us. People who are very anxious tend to miss safety signs. Our ‘happy detectors’, as one of my clients would call it, are dull, while our danger detectors are super sharp. We need to strengthen our ‘happy detectors’ by paying attention to the gifts in our life. We are cared for! When we’re anxious, we’ve lost sight of all the evidence that we’re personally seen, protected, and provided for. But when we’re grateful, we lose sight of all reason to be anxious.
Practice it:
Think of five specific things you’re grateful for in/from your life. These can be people, relationships, memories, moments, ways you’ve been provided for. The more specific and detailed you are, the better. Put those five ‘gifts’ on paper (in words or drawings) and then spend 1-2 minutes reading, remembering, and thinking about each one. Allow yourself to really appreciate each gift. Notice how you feel after.
Make it relational:
Thank God for giving you every gift in your life. He gives you good gifts because He loves you, cares for you, and wants your good.
Look for the ways others care for you and help meet your needs, and thank them for those gifts! Spend time with people who express gratitude for the gifts you bring to their lives, or are willing to do so when you ask for what you need.
7. Lament
If I told you to focus on the gifts and be grateful without telling you to acknowledge the broken and lament over it, I’d only make your anxiety worse. Lament means to express pain. We need both gratitude and lament because both goodness and pain are real. Many of us who are anxious never learned how to safely feel and express pain in our relationships. Some of us believed that expressing our pain, even in healthy ways, was bad. But “bottling up” emotions feeds anxiety. Whether sadness, anger, or regret, pain has to be acknowledged and expressed. Pain makes perfect sense in a broken world. Sometimes we just need to cry and be honest about what we’re feeling, and find that our anxiety is so much less when we do.
If you’re new to this practice, I recommend limiting the time you spend focusing on your pain. Setting a time limit on your lament might sound funny, but it actually creates safety. This teaches your body and mind to acknowledge pain without getting stuck in it or falling for the lie of hopelessness because of it.
Practice it:
Set a timer for 10-30 minutes. Start by naming what hurts (ex. a situation, a trait you don’t like in yourself.) Allow yourself to feel the feelings that come with it, and express yourself by crying, journaling about it, or processing it creatively (ex. drawing or writing lyrics about it.) At the end of the timer, pause, take a deep breath, and either let the pain go (if it feels ‘finished’) or set it on a “shelf” to come back to later. Then fix your gaze on something else.
Make it relational:
Invite God into what hurts. Talk to Him about it, journal to Him, or imagine sharing your drawing or lyrics with Him. He grieves with you and can contain whatever you’re carrying.
Share one of your hurts with a counselor or with a friend. If you need someone to just listen and understand (vs. trying to quickly “fix it” or problem-solve), express that need and notice any effort they make to do that.
8. Confession
One relational root of anxiety is this belief: “If they knew who I really was, they wouldn’t love me.” If they saw how selfish I am, how ________ I am, I would surely be rejected. When we believe this, we only let some parts of ourselves into the light, while the other parts remain in the dark - unknown and inevitably insecure. We have a good need to be fully known and deeply loved. But if we aren’t honest about our shame, how can those parts get what they need? We need both the beautiful and broken parts of us to be seen and known by another so we can internalize the reality of being truly secure. Confessing what we regret or feel ashamed of with a compassionate, non-condemning other is how we overcome the lie that being seen equals being rejected. It feels embarrassing and humiliating at first. But that is, oddly enough, the whole point. So much of anxiety has to do with a fear of embarrassment and rejection. But when we confess what we feel ashamed of in a safe relationship, allow ourselves to feel a healthy bit of embarrassment, and aren’t rejected, but embraced and (where needed) forgiven, those fears lose their power.
Practice it:
Start by confessing to yourself. Set a 3 minute timer and write down what you feel embarrassed or ashamed of - this can include things you’ve done, traits you see in yourself or things you don’t like about yourself, and/or things that others have done to you. Take a pause (and fix your gaze on something else) anytime you need to, there’s no need or pressure to rush this. Then, reflect on what you might be needing relationally.
Make it relational:
Share what you wrote down with God privately. He is not waiting to punish you or rub your face in what you already feel bad about. He already knows, and is waiting to embrace you, where needed, forgive you, and heal you. He is safe to bring your whole self to.
Make a deal with a friend that both of you will admit one of your wrongs to each other each week. As part of the deal, agree not to minimize, justify, or dismiss what is confessed. Simply be a listening ear. Affirm one another for being honest and bringing your shame into the light. Be sure to communicate to one another somehow that each of you is still accepted and loved, and ask one another if you need any help with what you’ve confessed.
9. Singing + movement
Singing and movement are ways to express and process emotions (something we need!), so they don’t get stuck and feed anxiety. They can be natural expressions of gratitude or lament. But it can also go the other way. We can lead with our bodies by singing and moving our way into felt safety, greater gratitude, and more honest lament (also needs!) Singing stimulates the ‘vagus nerve’, lowering our heart rate and telling our body that we’re safe, no matter what’s going on. We can be safe in both grief and gratitude, in beauty and brokenness. (Many early Christians who were martyred went to their deaths literally singing, declaring with their voices and their bodies that they were truly secure.) When we move, our bodies produce endorphins, like ‘happy chemicals.’ Sometimes an anxious body just needs to move, so it can feel the emotional reality of being safe and cared for! On the other end, being physically still (especially if we tend to go go go) can help us connect to our pain, so we can experience being loved in it.
Practice it:
Do something that gets your body moving, like taking a walk around the block, playing outside with your dog, or dancing to music. Before you start, notice how you feel physically and emotionally. Afterwards, check in and notice any differences.
Make it relational:
Put on a worship song, let yourself reflect on the gifts God has given you, and let your gratitude come out in singing.
Ask a friend go on a walk with you, dance with you, or sing a duet with you. Studies show that moving and singing together releases oxytocin and brings us closer together.
These 9 practices have helped me become more secure and less anxious. Start with just one and try it out. Take baby steps and know that I’m cheering you on with each step you take! You don’t have to feel anxious, alone, or insecure forever. Our bodies and nervous systems can heal. Our thoughts can become different. Our behaviors can become more beautiful. Our beliefs can change. There is safety. We are valued. We’re not alone.
As you practice mindfulness, honoring your limits, gratitude, confession, and all the rest, you will get to taste and know this reality. God is kind. He sees you, cares for you, and longs for relationship with you. He gives us people to love us and show us this too, as we are willing to express our needs and give others the freedom and opportunity to respond to them. Even when we or they fail, God’s love is the always-perfect love that drives out our fear for good.
Let’s revisit my favorite Bible verse for a moment , 1 John 1:18. This time, we’ll read the whole thing.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
Sometimes, our persistent, life-or-death fear has to do with punishment because we know we’ve done wrong. We know what we’ve done and what we’ve not done and we’re just waiting to be rejected. The sense of impending doom we feel comes from feeling condemned and not seeing any way out. But God see us. He sees all of us - the good, bad, and ugly - and He doesn’t reject us. On the contrary, He came down into our broken world Himself and went to the very ends of it in order to save and show us that He accepts us! The question is whether we will accept Him.
Accepting and knowing Jesus is the number one thing that has set me free from anxiety. When we know Jesus, we know the one, true God. The one who perfectly, unfailingly loves us. And with that, our minds and hearts don’t have to be filled with fear or doom anymore.
Even when bad things do happen or we do bad, we have a God who does not leave us alone and gives us all we need (including what we don’t know what we need.) That’s been true all along.
You don’t have to be afraid. Look to Jesus. In Him alone, we are truly, deeply, eternally secure.
