5 things to know when your teen starts therapy
As a clinical counselor who specializes in working with teens, I often collaborate and speak with parents in the process. As a parent, you love your teen. You want them to grow, feel loved, and find freedom from whatever they’re struggling with! Therapy can be a great resource to support them on their journey. That said, sometimes parents are new to therapy and/or don’t know how to navigate the process with their teenager. If you’re a parent of a teen who is starting therapy, here are 5 things to know so you (and they) get the most out of it.
Trust is essential
It is no small thing to ask for help with your teen. When you invite a therapist into the situation, you are essentially recruiting help - kudos to you! Letting the recruited help help is the next step. In my experience, this is where parents can sometimes struggle. Understandably so - this is your child we’re talking about! But in order for therapy to work, trusting your teen’s therapist is essential.
What I’m not suggesting is that you trust someone with your child just because they’re a therapist. By all means, take your time and choose your teen’s therapist wisely. I always recommend that parents do their due diligence to find a therapist that, to the best of their knowledge, is trustworthy.
Once you’ve done that, it’s time to trust them! Or at least, start to. Trusting might look like listening and considering what the therapist has to say. Reflecting on their feedback. Trying one of their suggestions. You certainly don’t have to take everything a therapist says as fact. I don’t recommend that. But they may have a different and/or valuable perspective on the situation and what can help. Be sure to ask questions and communicate any concerns you have along the way. Give the therapist you chose a chance. Trust is not always easy, but it’s essential here and can be well worth it.
Calibrate + communicate expectations
When your teen starts therapy, you inevitably have some expectations about how therapy will go. It’s important to consider what those expectations are, and communicate them with your teen’s therapist.
You might consider:
What are you hoping will happen?
What progress are you expecting to see?
How long do you expect it will take to see progress?
What do you expect your role to be in the process?
It’s helpful to reflect on this because sometimes expectations aren’t realistic or simply haven’t been communicated and agreed upon by the other party! Unchecked expectations can lead to confusion, disappointment, or resentment. Talking about them with your teen’s therapist can help you determine realistic expectations for therapy in general and what they specifically offer.
What are realistic expectations when your teen starts therapy? In general, it’s realistic to expect some degree of mental, emotional, or behavioral improvement from therapy over time. It’s not realistic to expect to see improvement after one session, or even a few sessions, though it can happen. Meaningful growth tends to happen in subtle and, at first, undetectable ways as your teen consistently shows up. Consistent, usually weekly, attendance and your teen’s willingness to engage are essential. If he or she is doing these two things, you can trust that something is likely happening, even if you don’t see any obvious progress at first.
It’s also realistic to expect ‘lapses’ in mental, emotional, or behavioral issues, even after a period of noticeable improvement. The healing journey is rarely a straight line! It’s not realistic to expect therapy to eliminate all hardship from your teen’s life, rid them of normal adolescent challenges, or prevent them from experiencing painful emotions. But it is realistic to expect therapy to be beneficial for your teen and for realistic goals to be met, even if progress is slow.
How you can be part of the process
Parents of teens often want to be involved in the therapy process and that’s good! Teen therapy should be a collaborative process that includes parents whenever possible. You should not feel completely cut off or excluded from the process. That said, there are varying degrees to which parents are involved in a teen’s therapy.
How involved you are depends on:
what your teen consents to
what their therapist believes is in their best interest
how involved you’d like to be
Your teen’s therapist should make an effort to honor both your teen’s privacy and your desire to be involved in the process.
Sometimes parents want to be involved by knowing the details of what their teen talks about in sessions, however, this is something teens usually aren’t comfortable with. But there are other ways you can be part of the process! You likely spend more time with your teen and have many more opportunities to support them throughout the week than their therapist does. Your teen’s therapist can offer suggestions for ways you can take advantage of these opportunities and support the work they’re doing in therapy. Being open to feedback and implementing suggestions to nurture a better overall relationship with and home environment for your teen can greatly impact the therapy process.
I can tell you from experience that, as you do this, your teen will notice your efforts and appreciate them, whether they say it out loud to you or not (I always encourage them to do so!)
Avoid this common mistake
A common mistake parents make when their teen starts therapy, is seeing the teen as “the problem” of the family or the one needing “fixing.” This often happens without parents realizing it. But this mindset can be harmful to them and to your family as a whole, so I want to warn you and help you be on guard against it.
Parents are sometimes tempted to see their teen’s issues as big, while seeing other factors, such as personal or marriage issues, other family members’ issues, or family dynamics that may be contributing to their teen’s struggles as small. It can go a long way with your teen to remind them that they are not the only one who has things to work on in the family. There is nothing worse than your teen feeling alone in their weakness or need for support. Every member of every family has issues and needs help sometimes! No one is exempt from this, no matter our age. Speaking and modeling this to them is freeing for everyone! You don’t have to have it all figured out and neither do they.
On the opposite side, parents can be tempted to try to protect their teen’s feelings by signing them up for therapy while, at the same time, telling them there’s “nothing wrong.” This is confusing for your teen and robs them of the chance to acknowledge the reality of their personal or relational challenges and need for help. No one starts therapy because they’ve got it all together and everything is going well! Your teen knows this. It’s more helpful when parents acknowledge to their teen that something does seem to be wrong, that their desire is to love and support the teen, and that they’re not the only one in the family who struggles.
Seeking your own support
That leads us to our last point. Truly one of the greatest ways you can love your teen and support them on their therapy journey is by seeking your own support.
For one, watching your teen experience hardship is hard on you too. When they're hurting, you’re hurting too. You need to have your own emotional support system. This might include: your spouse, close family or friends, your own individual therapist or coach, a pastoral counselor or church group, your personal relationship with God, and/or a parenting support group, to name a few. The better supported you are, the more available you will be to support your teen. The truth is, if you’re falling apart, you can’t help hold your teen together. You need (and are so worth) people and relationships who help hold you together first.
Second, when a teen is really struggling, there are often unhelpful parenting or family dynamics also at play. Sometimes a parent’s own wounds, issues in a marriage, or other factors in the home, are contributing to what’s going on with the teen. If this is true for you or your family, I want you to know you’re not alone. I can’t under-state the positive difference you can make by addressing and focusing on your own health and healing, whether individually or in your marriage, while your teen focuses on theirs. The more help you receive, the more you’ll be able to offer the same to your child. Your teen’s therapist can offer insight for how you and the whole family can best be supported. Their suggestions might include:
individual therapy for you
couples counseling
family therapy
a parenting support group or class
a relevant book
Please don’t be ashamed of these suggestions! They are offered in love, with the goal of helping your teen and your whole family grow together and get where you want to go.
There you have it! If you’re a parent whose teen is starting therapy, or who is thinking about therapy for your teen, keep these suggestions in mind and you will do well. If you’re seeking a therapist to support your teen and are a resident of California, you can learn more about my virtual and in-person counseling services for teens here.
